Raw #33 - September 27th, 1993

WWF President Jack Tunney opens the 33rd episode of Raw by announcing the suspension of Shawn Michaels for avoiding title defenses (Really? Shawn Michaels?). Michaels is therefore stripped of the Intercontinental title, and the new champion will be decided next week and the week after that via a battle royal and singles match, respectively. I don't know the real story behind the suspension, but I'm positive Shawn's name will be drug through the mud next week when 20 contenders test their mettle in the ring for the vacant title.

Speaking of titles, the Quebecers defend theirs tonight against a team of their choosing (My guess is Barry Horowitz and Iron Mike Sharpe). Vince speculates that it will be one of the top ten tag teams that receives the title shot. We can draw two conclusions from this: One, Vince doesn't know how heels think, and two, there is an actual tag team division in 1993, rather than nowadays, where you can become number one contenders just by beating the Usos. Jimmy Snuka makes his historic return tonight to face some jobber. "Captain Planet" Ludvig Borga is in action tonight, as well.

Tatanka charges into the ring where he awaits the returning Rick Martel as we are treated once again to the second-rate Raw graphics usually reserved for shows held in Poughkeepsie. Someone must have left the floppy disks with the regular graphics back at the Manhattan center. Martel enters to Val Venis's music. Heenan wonders why Tatanka is wearing a miniskirt, commenting on the flaps hanging off Tatanka's belt (not a championship belt, of course. The undefeated Native American would never wear any of those in the WWF). The two lock up repeatedly, with Martel taking down Tatanka with a Nice Maneuver (#1 - headlock takeover). Vince claims that Tatanka has never faced Martel before (this is after Randy Savage had already commented on the bad blood between the two, stemming from Martel's theft of Tatanka's feathers, leading to matches at Wrestle-freaking-Mania VIII and Survivor Series '92).  Tatanka, who last Monday lost the USWA Unified Title to Jerry Lawler in a Survivor Series-style match, clotheslines Martel to the outside. The Model stalls on the outside, leading Tatanka to chase him around the ring, only to get beaten into the squared circle by Martel, who stomps him. Tatanka tries to jump to the second rope, but gets stuck, then does a body press that misses Martel. The Native American rolls to the outside.

The Model is above looking at Themis's
patootie.

After the break, Martel is "all over Tatanka like melting butter," says Macho. Tatanka hits the sunset flip, but Rick kicks out, clapping his feet against the Native American's head in a Clever Maneuver (#2). He then puts Tatanka into an abdominal stretch, but gets hiptossed out of it. They then do the classic dueling-abdominal stretch do-si-do, which Tatanka wins before getting his face raked. Martel hits a belly-to-back suplex, erroneously called a "side suplex" by McMahon. He then tries to propel himself over the ropes for a splash on Tatanka, but he gets cuaght on his opponent's knees, just like when he tried the move on Perfect. After Heenan mentions President Clinton, Vince wonders if weasels are covered under the new health package. Funny he should mention that, as Heenan would leave WWF for WCW by the end of the year in order to have neck surgery. Tatanka starts to go on the warpath, ascending the top rope for a High-Risk Maneuver (#3 - tomahawk chop). Martel tosses Tatanka over the top rope, only to be pulled out to brawl with his opponent. Referee Tim White calls for the countout after both men are outside for 13 seconds, despite having allowed Pierre to remain outside the ring for an entire commercial break. The match ends in a double-countout.

Joe Fowler, soon-to-be-forgotten WWF correspondent and third-string TV pitchman, gives us the participants of the battle royal next week, including Giant Gonzalez, Jimmy Snuka, MVP (Steve Lombardi, not Montel Vontavious Porter), and Bastion Booger. The 20-second Raw theme plays over and over again throughout the report.

Ludvig Borga takes on Phil Apollo, laying into him like a bad guy who likes to loot and plunder. The Ivan Drago-like Borga, a former undefeated champion boxer, just kills Apollo in the ring. He then shows off his impressive rack for the submission victory.

Superfly looks youthful as ever.

Jimmy Snuka, the first ECW champion, takes on Paul Van Dale (or PVD). Bobby Heenan calls Crush on the phone and asks him if he will be in the battle royal next weel. Crush replies that he wasn't even invited. Heenan stirs the pot, informing Crush that Macho Man will be in the battle royal, implying that Savage has been playing politics. If he really wanted to anger Crush, he should have told him that Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz is in the battle royal, too. Crush hangs up instead of talking to Savage. Snuka hits the Superfly splash for the win.

We then get a replay of PJ Walker's upset win over IRS last week. Move over, Sean Waltman! There's a new 123 Kid in town, and this one doesn't have time for trivialities like PPV matches, merchandise, or title reigns. We then get a shot of IRS's office, prompting Vince to ask "Mr. Rotundo" for comment. Kayfabe, Vince. Kayfabe. Mr. Schyster looks forward to eliminating Razor Ramon in the battle royal next week.

WWE's current target demographic.

The Quebecers come to the ring with Johnny Polo, who is wearing a Harvard shirt and lacrosse gear here in New Haven, Connecticut, definitely upsetting all of the Yale alumni in the Monday Night Raw audience. When we return from break, Bobby Heenan is interviewing Barry Horowitz about his big opportunity tonight. Who called it! Reno Riggins, Horowitz's partner, is sick with the flu, however, so Barry picks a replacement partner: none other than the new sensation in the WWF, PJ Walker! No, just kidding. It's the 123 Kid, of course. Johnny Polo and the Quebecers laugh the idea off, allowing the Kid to compete. Vince points out that this team is not ranked (unlike the Steiners, Headshrinkers, Smoking Gunns, Heavenly Bodies, Men on a Mission, Bushwhackers, or even Well Dunn).

The Kid hits a Maneuver (#4) early on, roundhouse kicking Pierre, allowing for the challengers to score stereo dropkicks on the champions.The heels take the advantage with double team moves. Vince mentions that "some 5,756 pounds of humanity" will be in the battle royal next week, perhaps referencing Mabel's entry into next week's contest.Vince also speculates that the Steiners are watching this match on TV, but Bobby claims their TV set was repossessed for missing three payments. Sadly, this is not lead to a Repo Man return. Jacques tries one of the Fancy Maneuvers (#5 - body press) of the 123 Kid, which misses. After a spinning heel kick by the Kid, Jacques tumbles to the arena floor and appears unconscious. Polo tries in vain to get his client to his feet, then calls for a stretcher. Howard Finkel announces that the match must continue, even without Jacques.

Despite being shorthanded, Pierre hits a Maneuver (#6 - leg drop) off the second rope on Horowitz, then picks his opponent up off the ground instead of covering him. He then slams Barry towards his own corner, allowing the 123 Kid to get the tag in a move that Vince delicately calls "stupid." The Kid is a house of fire until he tries a spinning heel kick on Pierre, who pulls the top rope down and lets the challenger fall all the way to the arena floor. Polo rolls the underdog into the ring, allowing Pierre to put a leg on him for the weak pinfall.

Razor Ramon comes to ringside for an interview and tells McMang and the tax mang that he's easy to find: "six foot seven and more handsome than ten movie stars." Do people get more handsome by addition? Because I don't imagine a ten-headed person being very handsome, no matter what movie stars' faces he has. 

Prestigious DeVry Institute.

Final tally:

6 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 207)